Headines for Today

 Obama call for repeal of health care

President Obama today announced that he is calling for the repeal of the health care legislation he just signed into law.  Stating “ I never realized this was going to cost so much.  Once you read this I understand why people are so upset.  We need to re-think this whole thing”  He’s asking Congress to bring him legislation limited to less than 100 pages, written in language “that a fifth-grader could understand”.

Pelosi switches to Republican Party

Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, at her morning press conference, confirmed her switch to the Republican Party.  “I just can’t go along with this senseless spending anymore.  If we keep taking money away from the people who have rightfully earned it through hard work and intelligence, pretty soon there won’t be anything left”.

Mayor Daley admits he’s been wrong for years

Chicago’s Richard Daley today admitted he’s been entirely off-base with his financial decisions for years.  “I can’t believe I set my friends up and they still couldn’t keep the deals hidden.  And I never should have done the parking deal.  Boy, did we get ripped off!”

Rush Limbaugh buys New York Times

New York woke up today to a new owner of the New York Times.  Rush Limbaugh, the conservative talk show host has bought 100% of the New York Times.  Limbaugh said he has exciting plans for the newspaper, and indicated he has a consulting agreement with Rupert Murdoch to bring in ‘new talent’.

Jay Leno gives back “Tonight Show” to Conan O’Brien

Saying he didn’t realize how much work the show had become Jay Leno is giving “The Tonight Show” back to Conan O’Brien.  “Conan was really doing a great job.  I can’t do this anymore.  Oh yeah, he can keep the severance package too”.

Democrats to allow honest vote in Illinois

Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, Governor Pat Quinn and Mayor Richard Daley jointly announced today that from now on when people vote in elections for public officials the results will be honored by Democratic officials and the will of the people will be respected. They all agreed that “all this stuff done behind closed doors stops here and now!”

Hugo Chavez asks to be annexed to the United States

Standing before the United Nations General Assembly, Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez announced he has negotiated an agreement with the United States to be annexed.  Stating that “I just can’t have my people suffer any more, I, I mean we need help.  This socialist – dictator stuff is tougher than it looks!”

Oh yeah,
April Fool’s!!!

The Instigator